Train Training, Part IIAt 11:03 PMby: Hiro

Without further ado, I present to you the breathtaking conclusion to your ultimate train riding guide.

The First 5 Minutes

This section is important whether you are the one boarding the train and taking a seat beside another person, or you're the one already on the train and have just been joined by a newcomer. This title is quite misleading. It does not necessarily specify the first 5 minutes after sitting down. Rather, this deals with the first 5 minutes of open channels. There are many legitimate reasons to delaying the initiation of conversation and they must often be respected. Allow me to give you some examples:

• The person is sleeping. Although, if they were sleeping, you should have avoided this situation right? Depending on their personal depth of sleep, you will either a) be talking to an unconscious human being or b) you may soon become unconscious yourself.
• They are listening to music, clearly denoted by the fact that they are wearing headphones. Engaging in a conversation while the other party is not listening to you will result in other party believing that you are talking to yourself. Although technically you will have accomplished the mission of engaging a conversation, this renders the entire situation irrelevent as you may engage in such personal conversations at any time and place of your choosing. Yes, even a public washroom stall. Granted, that can lead to interesting situations.
• They are talking on a cellphone. Attempting to interject yourself into an ongoing conversation, one that most likely involves people that know each other, is not the greatest plan of attack.
• They are reading a book. It is possible that they are so enraptured by their reading material that they have not yet noticed you sitting beside them. This however is quite unlikely, since you will already have asked if you may sit there. That is, if you've been paying attention thus far.
  

Whoever is engaging in any of the above mentioned activities must stop in order to signal to the other person that they are ready to begin a conversation. Immediately ceasing the activity might make it look like you are on an all out offensive, desperate for conversation, so bide your time.

In any case, the moment the signal is given, that is when the 5 minute window begins. If you miss this window, you will most likely fail the mission.

Now what shall be the first move? Do you inch forward the pawn or bring the knight out? This my friend, is the trickiest part. The "opener" must be individually tailored to each and every situation. As a rule of thumb, any reasonable excuse to talk to the other person will suffice. Here are some suggestions for an opener:

• "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Ah yes, the classic. Asking what time it is. This is a question anyone feels comfortable answering. However, in order to prevent yourself from looking as smooth as sandpaper that's been coated in glass shards, you may want to make sure you're not wearing a watch in advance.
• "Excuse me, do you know where we are?" This one is excellent and one of my personal favourites. Thus far I have a perfect record so far using this one. Granted, I've only used it once, but 1/1 is nonetheless a perfect record.
• "Hey, how's it going?" Say it straight up. Just don't do the "Heyyyy, how yoo doiiiin" thing. I have yet to test this one out myself but I plan on it next chance I get.
  
• "Excuse me, have you ever read the Pleasant Interruption blog?" You will appear to exude pure awesomeness in its rawest form.
  

If you were wondering, the following examples of openers would be considered unreasonable:

• "You have something hanging out of your nose."
• "Are you single?"
• "Hi, I'm single."
• "Did you just fart?"
• etc, etc.

Now, regardless of which opener you use, the key here is that you keep the conversation alive. You must now unleash a "linker", to string together a nice combo to kick start the conversation. I would have to say that by far the simplest and most effective linker is to simply say "So where are you off to?" It is not too intrusive, and will give you something to work with. Ideally, they would respond not with just the name of the city but also the reason as to why they are going. You can then follow up with other linkers based on the answer. Even if they aren't that cooperative, they will most likely at least return the same question. This then gives you the chance to state where and why you are going. Feel free to be creative with linkers, as the possibilities are limitless.

If you keep receiving short responses and you seem to be the only one asking questions, you are most likely looking at a lost cause. Straight "yes" and "no" answers, especially if they were in response to questions that cannot be answered by a yes or no, most likely hint to a dead conversation. This is of course, known as the "ender". Retreat immediately and pursue other activities to salvage your remaining train riding experience.

However, unless you are sitting beside some total bitch or jerkwad, your desire to have a friendly chat will most likely be reciprocated and from here onward, it's all smooth sailing.

Names

One important thing I have yet to discuss is names. This is a very simple yet awkward issue to deal with. It is entirely possible to carry on an entire 3 hour conversation without ever knowing the other person's name but it will be gnawing at you the whole time.

I advise against introducing yourself right at the beginning, as it will make them feel like it's an interview or at least make them feel uncomfortable. There is a sense of security in anonymity and to reveal names early on will not help the conversation.

However, it is equally difficult to introduce names an hour into the conversation. Therein lies the dilemna. Throwing in "So what's your name?" out of the blue gets the job done but definitely doesn't sound right. I propose 2 main solutions:

• "Ha, I just realized I haven't introduced myself yet! How rude of me! So anyway, I'm Hiro." Keep in mind that you may or may not wish to replace "Hiro" with your own name. Speaking from experience, there has not been a single time when people have not said something along the lines of "Hero? Wow that's a coool name!" However, they will most likely not believe you so I advise against trying to live my life. As an alternative, I highly suggest you tell them your name is any of: Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker, etc, or more blatantly Superman, Batman, Spiderman, etc. Then after you elicit a little bit of laughter, reassure them that it truly is your name. After a moment of confusion, laugh a bit and tell them the truth. Works like a charm.
• "So Juanita, where did you say you go to school again?" Use a name that is obviously not suited to the other person within any sentence of your choosing. They will most likely correct you or just spend a minute confused. Regardless, laugh it off and admit the truth: "Haha I know your name isn't Juanita but I never got your name and the conversation got to the point where it woulda been awkward to ask you your name so I just gave you a name instead. So anyway, I'm Hiro. And you are?" They will understand. This will remove a big weight off their shoulders as well and everyone wins.

Funny Things to do on the Train

Here is a quick summary of things you can do to amuse yourself, but most likely only yourself. Proceed at your own risk.

• If approached by someone and asked if you mind them sitting there, simply reply "yes". They will both be confused and insulted. You'll never see them again anyway right?
• Sit down beside a person that's sleeping and wake them up. Then follow up by asking them if they were in fact sleeping, what time it is, if they know where you are, or if they could wake you up when you get to your destination.
• Sit down beside a person that's sleeping and if they have a book or magazine, go ahead and read it and continue doing so even once the person wakes up.
  
• If the person next to you is listening to music, talk loudly so they can hear you.
• If the person next to you is reading a book, read over their shoulder and ask them if they are finished the page or ask them if they can go back to the previous page.
• If the person next to you is on a cellphone, ask them if you can talk to their friend.
• If the person next to you asks you "Where are we?" reply "on a train".
• If you're in a packed car and a seat opens up beside someone else, pack up your stuff and switch seats. Conversely, if you're in a near empty car, go sit right beside someone.

Now that you have prepared yourself by reading this guide, I hope you have many Pleasant Interruptions to come in your future travels.

Bon Voyage.